Why there needs to be a hashtag that brings #notallmen and #yesallwomen together
I want to say that I was one of those guys in college, but the fact of the matter is I am still one of those guys with a minor difference. I chased a girl hard – well, not a girl, THE girl. She had it all. She was tall, moved like a dancer, had a beautiful face and best of all, was majoring in science. I got a ‘C’ in Microbes and Man because she would pass by the classroom door about halfway through the class, I wouldn’t concentrate the rest of the class; she was much more pleasant to think about. (There were other factors involved like the class had a hundred students, but for the purposes of this dramatization, we’re going to leave it at that.)
At the time, I was shy, terribly inept around women that I was interested in, 5 foot 4 (not much has really changed) and the only thing that motivated me to ask her out was that I did not want to regret not asking her out. There was no way for me to meet her other than walking up to her in the hall, introducing myself and asking her out. She predictably said, “No.” She might have said something like “I’m flattered, but no, thank you.”
At any rate it was a rejection that I knew was coming when I asked the question because, quite frankly, how many women are going to go out with someone they do not no – at least at a time when Internet dating still wasn’t a thing? I was not ready to give up. I wrote her poems in three languages (something that we should bring back?), delivered by campus mail, and I asked her out again. This time she said, “Yes.”
We met at the restaurant where she worked, she sat down for about 10 minutes, a couple of her friends, one of whom I vaguely knew from another class, came in and sat with us. She left and her friends hung out with me. I would’ve said “awkward” but that wasn’t a thing back then. Even though it ended poorly, and from what I have recently read, started poorly from her perspective, I can still say that I went out with the most beautiful woman in my college – looks, brains, and from what I understand, a genuinely nice person even if she had a bit of a reputation as a party girl.
To say the rest of my dating life has been desolate would be understating what it really has been. I have since figured that if a woman says she “no” or anything vaguely resembling a “no,” she is not interested. I have also been chastised for not following up. The conversation went something like this:
“Hey, so how’d it go?” asks mutual female friend.
“I asked her out for Thursday. She said she was busy. I asked about Friday. She said she was busy, so I am guessing that she is not interested.”
“Oh, man, you just don’t get it; women like to be chased. I am certainly not going to date any man who can’t prove that he is interested in me by asking me out more than once before I say ‘yes.’ You need to ask her out again,” says MFF. “Besides, I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
“Huh…”
With all of the talk about the UCSB shooting and the idea of male privilege, rape culture and feelings of entitlement, throwing in a good helping of my chosen religion, wherein I am no longer active, that says that it is the man’s responsibility to seek out a wife and that women should wait for the man to act, I am left confused with how the whole dating thing is supposed to happen.
If I pursue in a way that has been popularized by mass media and my religion, I am in danger of becoming a harassing stalker. If I don’t pursue, I will remain alone for the rest of my life, especially if women are applying the same principal in their lives that I am supposed to be applying in mine. What are any of us supposed to do? (And why am I asking rhetorical questions?)
People are saying that men shouldn’t be derailing the discussion that is the focus of #yesallwomen with the male knee-jerk reaction #notallmen, but the specific problem with focusing on one side or the other is that of communication and the idea that this problem is only about women. Discussing what all women face every day is important only insofar as it comes with a specific conclusion and a plan of action.
It isn’t enough to know what women consider harassment, which can be anything from a wrong look to groping and beyond. It isn’t enough to know that 1 in 5 women are sexually harassed and that rapes are continually under reported and considered the fault of the victim. It isn’t enough to know individual stories like those of Fiona Apple and Elizabeth Smart. It isn’t enough to give one half of society a platform to talk about the issue if the other half of society is going to ignore it because it does not pertain to them.
I am cognizant of the power that has been ordained to me by virtue of being a white male. I am now completely unsure of what I should be doing with that power. Sitting on my hands, firing missives from my computer, not getting involved in the conversation because it isn’t mine to have, and being ashamed of power and privilege I never asked for or wanted do not seem like the right choices. Yet, going to some place where I am not wanted to have a conversation that no one wants to have with me also seems like a wrong choice.
Beyond opening a dialogue and creating an assertive, honest society where men and women feel free to express themselves in ways that are respectful without being deceptive or passive-aggressive, I do not know how we, as a society, solve the rape culture problem. When the condemned behaviors seem so deeply ingrained that everyone is getting mixed messages about what is acceptable and what isn’t, it is exceedingly difficult to even know where to vote with our dollars.
I guess, for the moment, I will continue to opt for what I have done for the last 20 years. In defiance of my religion, I will continue to menace society by attempting to not engage in any kind of conversation that could be misconstrued as having any possible overtone of sexual harassment. If a women says “no,” I will assume that she means it, and I will not send any unsolicited gifts to someone that I am not in an explicit relationship with.
That may mean ending up old and alone because women really do want a man to show interest in them, or simply because people who ask for what they want tend to get it more often than people who remain silent about what they want. However, until we have some sort of procedure or rules in place that regulate how two people are supposed to get to know one another so that they can come together in love, understanding and for the procreation of the species, there seems to be no real way for a man or woman to participate in society without perpetuating a culture of rape.
At the time, I was shy, terribly inept around women that I was interested in, 5 foot 4 (not much has really changed) and the only thing that motivated me to ask her out was that I did not want to regret not asking her out. There was no way for me to meet her other than walking up to her in the hall, introducing myself and asking her out. She predictably said, “No.” She might have said something like “I’m flattered, but no, thank you.”
At any rate it was a rejection that I knew was coming when I asked the question because, quite frankly, how many women are going to go out with someone they do not no – at least at a time when Internet dating still wasn’t a thing? I was not ready to give up. I wrote her poems in three languages (something that we should bring back?), delivered by campus mail, and I asked her out again. This time she said, “Yes.”
We met at the restaurant where she worked, she sat down for about 10 minutes, a couple of her friends, one of whom I vaguely knew from another class, came in and sat with us. She left and her friends hung out with me. I would’ve said “awkward” but that wasn’t a thing back then. Even though it ended poorly, and from what I have recently read, started poorly from her perspective, I can still say that I went out with the most beautiful woman in my college – looks, brains, and from what I understand, a genuinely nice person even if she had a bit of a reputation as a party girl.
To say the rest of my dating life has been desolate would be understating what it really has been. I have since figured that if a woman says she “no” or anything vaguely resembling a “no,” she is not interested. I have also been chastised for not following up. The conversation went something like this:
“Hey, so how’d it go?” asks mutual female friend.
“I asked her out for Thursday. She said she was busy. I asked about Friday. She said she was busy, so I am guessing that she is not interested.”
“Oh, man, you just don’t get it; women like to be chased. I am certainly not going to date any man who can’t prove that he is interested in me by asking me out more than once before I say ‘yes.’ You need to ask her out again,” says MFF. “Besides, I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
“Huh…”
With all of the talk about the UCSB shooting and the idea of male privilege, rape culture and feelings of entitlement, throwing in a good helping of my chosen religion, wherein I am no longer active, that says that it is the man’s responsibility to seek out a wife and that women should wait for the man to act, I am left confused with how the whole dating thing is supposed to happen.
If I pursue in a way that has been popularized by mass media and my religion, I am in danger of becoming a harassing stalker. If I don’t pursue, I will remain alone for the rest of my life, especially if women are applying the same principal in their lives that I am supposed to be applying in mine. What are any of us supposed to do? (And why am I asking rhetorical questions?)
People are saying that men shouldn’t be derailing the discussion that is the focus of #yesallwomen with the male knee-jerk reaction #notallmen, but the specific problem with focusing on one side or the other is that of communication and the idea that this problem is only about women. Discussing what all women face every day is important only insofar as it comes with a specific conclusion and a plan of action.
It isn’t enough to know what women consider harassment, which can be anything from a wrong look to groping and beyond. It isn’t enough to know that 1 in 5 women are sexually harassed and that rapes are continually under reported and considered the fault of the victim. It isn’t enough to know individual stories like those of Fiona Apple and Elizabeth Smart. It isn’t enough to give one half of society a platform to talk about the issue if the other half of society is going to ignore it because it does not pertain to them.
I am cognizant of the power that has been ordained to me by virtue of being a white male. I am now completely unsure of what I should be doing with that power. Sitting on my hands, firing missives from my computer, not getting involved in the conversation because it isn’t mine to have, and being ashamed of power and privilege I never asked for or wanted do not seem like the right choices. Yet, going to some place where I am not wanted to have a conversation that no one wants to have with me also seems like a wrong choice.
Beyond opening a dialogue and creating an assertive, honest society where men and women feel free to express themselves in ways that are respectful without being deceptive or passive-aggressive, I do not know how we, as a society, solve the rape culture problem. When the condemned behaviors seem so deeply ingrained that everyone is getting mixed messages about what is acceptable and what isn’t, it is exceedingly difficult to even know where to vote with our dollars.
I guess, for the moment, I will continue to opt for what I have done for the last 20 years. In defiance of my religion, I will continue to menace society by attempting to not engage in any kind of conversation that could be misconstrued as having any possible overtone of sexual harassment. If a women says “no,” I will assume that she means it, and I will not send any unsolicited gifts to someone that I am not in an explicit relationship with.
That may mean ending up old and alone because women really do want a man to show interest in them, or simply because people who ask for what they want tend to get it more often than people who remain silent about what they want. However, until we have some sort of procedure or rules in place that regulate how two people are supposed to get to know one another so that they can come together in love, understanding and for the procreation of the species, there seems to be no real way for a man or woman to participate in society without perpetuating a culture of rape.